Author Topic: Jokes of the day  (Read 25705 times)

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Jokes of the day
on: February 06, 2011, 11:51:26 AM
Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand,  clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. 
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?"
They cut the cards.  Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet?  I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.  Discretion is my middle name.  Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.  The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?  Goldberg declares:  "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
 
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
 
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

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How to Give a Cat a Pill

1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
 
 Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
 
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
 
2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
 
 Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
 
3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
 
4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
 
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
 
5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
 
Call spouse in from the garden.
 
6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
 
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
 
7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
 
Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
 
8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
 
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
 
9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
 
10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
 
Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
 
11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.
 
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
 
12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
 
Take last pill from foil wrap.
 
13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
 
15.  Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
 
How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.
 
 
 
 
Last Edit: February 23, 2011, 13:59:03 PM by bear #187;

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Re: Jokes
Reply #1 on: February 06, 2011, 12:45:25 PM
I've tried giving a cat a pill before, it really is as bad as that!

Re: Jokes
Reply #2 on: February 07, 2011, 11:39:03 AM
my parents first cat was devious in her determination to not take pills. She had long figured out that the humans would keep at it until the pill was swallowed, so rather than putting up any particular fight she would allow you to put the pill in her mouth, close her mouth and even mime swallowing. She would then sneak into a corner and spit the pill out anything up to 5 minutes later.

On the other hand we had another cat who I swear was adicted to the "paletable" pills our vets started doing. He would actually beg for them.

Re: Jokes
Reply #3 on: February 07, 2011, 21:25:47 PM
one of our dogs is getting on a bit and needs a couple of pills every day.... he's used to it now so much so that when you get the box of tablets out he comes over, sits next to you, and then opens his mouth for the pill.... pop it on his tong and he swallows it straight away]


the only problem is the other dog gets jealous and tries to steal them!

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Re: Jokes
Reply #4 on: February 21, 2011, 17:31:15 PM

    A man and a woman were  sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
    The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently  wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.
     
    A few minutes  later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

    Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
     
    A few more  minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her  body shaking even more than before.

    Unable to  restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I  couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.  Are you OK?"

    "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

    The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.  "I have never heard of that condition before", he said.  "Are you taking anything for it?"

    The woman nodded, "Pepper"

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #5 on: February 23, 2011, 13:59:13 PM
A helicopter was flying into Seattle when an electrical malfunction

disabled its electronic navigation and communications equipment. Thanks to

clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and

course to fly to the airport. Seeing a tall building he flew toward it,

hovered, drew a large handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's

window. The sign read, "WHERE AM I?"

 

People in the tall building quickly responded by holding a sign that read

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" against a window. The pilot smiled, waved, glanced

at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed

safely. Asked by the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A

HELICOPTER" sign could help determine their position, the pilot replied, "I

knew that building had to be the Microsoft HQ because they gave me a

technically correct, but totally unhelpful answer."

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #6 on: February 25, 2011, 18:57:52 PM
The Tao does not speak
  The Tao does not blame.
  The Tao does not take sides.
  The Tao has no expectations.
  The Tao demands nothing of others
 The Tao is not Jewish.

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #7 on: February 28, 2011, 07:47:24 AM
5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.   The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'   




'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..  'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'  Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in   Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'  Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'  The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'   

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.  It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch....

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy...  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ...   

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy...

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!     

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #8 on: March 03, 2011, 18:55:33 PM
Will Rogers:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
 
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
 
3. There are two theories about arguing with a woman... Neither  works.
 
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

 
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back  into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
 
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
 
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
 
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
 
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
 
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
 
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
 
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
 
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved. (My personal favorite)
 
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
 
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
 
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
 
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
 
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
 
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
 
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it's called golf. 

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
 


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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #9 on: March 18, 2011, 15:46:57 PM
Man sitting at home on the veranda with  his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the  beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me.............. talking to the  beer."

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #10 on: March 24, 2011, 03:21:39 AM
Why, if the politicians, lawyers and bankers are supposed to be the turkeys, are we the ones always getting plucked?  :(

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #11 on: April 08, 2011, 16:24:34 PM
In an posh English accent: "Yoga's detoxifying." Really? In what measurable way, you stupid f**king new age limey?

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #12 on: May 02, 2011, 06:43:18 AM
Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #13 on: May 12, 2011, 19:23:28 PM
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!  They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says.  "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.  The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives.  But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue?   I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #14 on: May 20, 2011, 06:56:35 AM
man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.   
   
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one.   
   
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
   
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
     
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your
loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you; but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
     
"My wife's.", answered the man.
     
''What happened to her?", the curious man asked.
     
The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
     
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
     
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog
turned on her."
     
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
     
"Can I borrow the dog?"
             
The man replied, "Get in line."

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