Author Topic: Jokes of the day  (Read 25547 times)

  • Offline skidzilla

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #15 on: May 29, 2011, 21:23:42 PM
The voluptuous blond was chatting with
her handsome escort in a posh
restaurant when their waiter, stumbling
as he brought their drinks, dumped a
martini on the rocks down the back of
the blonde's dress. She sprang to her
feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed
wildly around the table, then galloped
wriggling from the room followed by her
distraught boyfriend. A man seated on
the other side of the room with a date
of his own beckoned to the waiter and
said, "We'll have two of whatever she
was drinking."
;D

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #16 on: June 04, 2011, 22:49:27 PM
Why men wear earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so  popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion  sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his  curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing  one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #17 on: June 08, 2011, 11:10:49 AM
A Priest's  Retirement Dinner


A Priest was  being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the
parish. A leading  local politician and member of the congregation was chosen
to make the  presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed,  so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they
waited.

"I got  my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I  thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person who  entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when  questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's  wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But
as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had,  indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as  the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being  late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his
talk. "I'll  never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived", said the
politician. "In  fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him
for  confession."

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

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  • Offline Clock'd 0Ne

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #18 on: June 08, 2011, 12:36:22 PM
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe between her legs, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #19 on: June 08, 2011, 17:37:45 PM
HoHo    :roll:

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #20 on: July 07, 2011, 12:08:13 PM
"The Cow"

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving
milk.  The people did some research and found that they
could buy a cow from Pinsk for 2,000 rubles, or one
from Minsk for 1,000 rubles.  Being frugal, they bought
the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful.  It produced lots of milk all the
time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow
and produce more cows like it.  Then they would never
have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their
beloved cow.  However, whenever the bull came close
to the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what
approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from
the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi,
who was very wise, what to do.  They told the rabbi what
was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow,
she moves away.  If he approaches from the back, she
moves forward. When he approaches her from the front,
she backs off.  An approach from the side and she just
walks away to the other side. The rabbi thought about
this for a minute and asked,

"Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded.  They had never mentioned
where they had gotten the cow.  "You are truly a wise rabbi.
How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #21 on: August 11, 2011, 21:48:56 PM
Recently, in a large city in France , a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.

It said,  "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,  whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,  responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans.

They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.

They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagoniam the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia .

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs!
They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.

They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.

If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis.
Fish or human?

They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?

Just look at them ... where is IT?

Therefore, they don't have kids either.

Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:

I want to be a whale.

P..S.  We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today,  When I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,

"Good grief, look how smart I am!"

  • Offline Emez

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #22 on: November 20, 2011, 20:28:14 PM
3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest d**k in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the F**K is JUSTIN BEIBER?

  • Offline Serious

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #23 on: December 25, 2011, 05:12:18 AM
As it's Christmas, perhaps a modernised carol?

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
Went for a pizza to the hut
Deep Pan, crisp and even

OK, it's c**p, it's also Christmas  :P
Last Edit: December 25, 2011, 05:14:29 AM by Serious #187;

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #24 on: January 13, 2012, 08:48:33 AM
"We don't serve neutrinos faster than light here" says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #25 on: January 17, 2012, 10:07:45 AM
I think someone makes them up - not really for real.





Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take
an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.
She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying,
my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant,so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #26 on: February 06, 2012, 06:50:13 AM
Be careful what you purchase on eBay --
A friend Spent $50 on a penis enlarger --
Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.
Instructions said don't use in the sunlight.

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #27 on: February 16, 2012, 20:07:06 PM
"Overdue"

Husband comes home one night, and his wife
throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have
great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're
going to have a baby! Until the doctor confirms
the test result we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company
rings the door-bell, because the couple hasn't
paid their last bill:

"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue,
you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young
woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this
tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit,
and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric
company's office the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that
my wife is a month overdue? What business is
that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious.
All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but
to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband
asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!"

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #28 on: June 05, 2012, 16:43:46 PM
Saving money.

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
 
Sure, they said, you’re welcome. So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
 
“I’m a hit man," was the reply.
 
"You're joking!” was the response.
 
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
 
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
 
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her . . . He's naked, too!!! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"
 
"I'll do a flat rate, for you: one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
 
"Can you do two for me now?"
 
“Sure, what do you want?”
 
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
 
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
 
“Are you gonna' do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
 
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here."

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #29 on: June 09, 2012, 16:59:56 PM
HOTEL BILL
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her
significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a
bill for $250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.
"It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just
an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she
insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk,
announced:
"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the
Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the
in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best
entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But
I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she
decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But
madam, this check is for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,"
she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


Don't mess with Senior Citizens

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