Author Topic: Jokes of the day  (Read 25548 times)

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #30 on: June 17, 2012, 06:47:33 AM

POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF !
 
A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!"

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #31 on: June 20, 2012, 09:49:08 AM
More senior jokes :)

I guess I just thought they would be much more appreciative. :-(


There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #32 on: June 20, 2012, 13:26:25 PM
keep posting bear, I like em... just feel a bit daft posting 'lol' every time :-)

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Re: Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #33 on: June 20, 2012, 13:59:10 PM
keep posting bear, I like em... just feel a bit daft posting 'lol' every time :-)

Same :)
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Re: Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #34 on: June 21, 2012, 00:38:38 AM
keep posting bear, I like em... just feel a bit daft posting 'lol' every time :-)

Same :)

I think it reminds them of me...  :-[

Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #35 on: June 22, 2012, 01:43:47 AM
I've been torturing a centipede for 98 days, it's on it's last legs!!!!!!!!




:)

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #36 on: June 22, 2012, 01:57:27 AM
No lol for you knighty :P
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Re: Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #37 on: June 22, 2012, 09:33:43 AM
keep posting bear, I like em... just feel a bit daft posting 'lol' every time :-)

Same :)

We need a lol button, a bit like a like button but with more lol

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #38 on: June 22, 2012, 10:33:55 AM
keep posting bear, I like em... just feel a bit daft posting 'lol' every time :-)

Same :)

We need a lol button, a bit like a like button but with more lol
Like :)

Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #39 on: June 25, 2012, 03:10:34 AM
Woman in court charged with stealing a tin of peaches. Judge asks "how many peaches were in the tin?" to which she replies "there were 4." He tells her that she will serve 1 month for each peach. As she is being lead away her husband shouts from the public gallery . . "AND SHE STOLE A TIN OF PEAS!"

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #40 on: July 24, 2012, 09:40:33 AM
-dude I wasn't THAT drunk !
-dude, you gave a mushroom to a midget and kept yelling "GROW MARIO GROW ! "

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #41 on: August 11, 2012, 15:12:22 PM
 

Only in This Stupid World
......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the BACK of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in This Stupid World
.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, with a diet coke.

Only in This Stupid World
.....do banks leave vault doors open but then chain the pens to the counters..

Only in This Stupid World
......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway while putting
our useless junk in the garage.

Only in This Stupid World ...........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten with buns in
packages of eight..

Only in This Stupid World .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER
...

Why the sun lightens
our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the
Headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is
'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that
Doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made
with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who
invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of
day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there
mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah
swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the
needle for lethal injections?

You know that
indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep
shrink when it rains?

Why are they called
apartments when they are all stuck together?


I like this one!!!

If con is the opposite of
Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so
safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)
...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #42 on: September 15, 2012, 16:29:08 PM
Farmer and Old Lady

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
                         
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a  couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to   1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
 
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house.  I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in  the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady!  I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #43 on: October 02, 2012, 18:37:50 PM

I was in Florida....and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read...
 
 'I miss The Bronx.'

So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that read, "I hope this helps."
 

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #44 on: October 04, 2012, 06:23:29 AM
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and became so heavy and so fast
that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the local police station and said,
"You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens."

"What do you want us to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Main Road ’s workers
go out to erect a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said,
"You've got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So, again, the policeman sends out the Main Roads workers’
and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY


That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and
called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the policeman, "Your signs are doing no
good at all ... can I put up my own sign?"
The policeman said, "Sure, go ahead."
He was willing to let Farmer John do just about anything
in order to get him to stop calling to complain.


The policeman got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the policeman
and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “ How’s the
problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did,” replied Farmer John, ”and not one chicken
has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The policeman was really curious and he thought to himself,
"I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign … it might
be something that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So he drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped
the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....
NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!

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