Author Topic: Jokes of the day  (Read 84965 times)

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #45 on: December 03, 2012, 06:43:14 AM
What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms... Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
 
 

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #46 on: December 07, 2012, 06:30:47 AM

May be a repeat for some but I find it funny.



>
>       Company Memo
>
>
>     >>> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>            TO: All Employees
>            DATE: November 10, 2012RE: Gala Christmas Party
>
>            I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
>     >>> December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
>     >>> Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have
>     >>> a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And
>     >>> don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
>     >>> Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among
>     >>> employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
>     >>> $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
>     >>> gathering is only for employees!Our CEO will make a special announcement
>     >>> at that time!Merry Christmas to you and your family,
>     >>>
>     >>> Patty
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Company Memo
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> TO: All Employees
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> DATE: November 11, 2012
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> RE: Gala Holiday Party
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
>     >>> We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
>     >>> coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
>     >>> from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
>     >>> applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still
>     >>> celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no
>     >>> Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for
>     >>> your enjoyment.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Happy now?
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Happy Holidays to you and your family,
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Patty
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Company Memo
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> TO: All Employees
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> DATE: November 12, 2012
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> RE: Holiday Party
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
>     >>> requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.. I'm happy
>     >>> to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
>     >>> "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
>     >>> handle this?
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Somebody?
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
>     >>> since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the
>     >>> executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Company Memo
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> To: All Employees
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> DATE: November 13, 2012
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> RE: Generic Holiday Party
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
>     >>> the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
>     >>> during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
>     >>> appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
>     >>> Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
>     >>> serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything
>     >>> for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
>     >>> from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest
>     >>> to the restrooms.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
>     >>> with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
>     >>> that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about
>     >>> confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> We will have booster seats for short people.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
>     >>> the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
>     >>> pressure taste a bite first.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
>     >>> restaurant cannot supply "no sugar"desserts. Sorry!
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Did I miss anything?!?!?
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Patty
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Company Memo
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> TO: All F*%^ing Employees
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> DATE: November 13, 2012
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this
>     >>> party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
>     >>> quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
>     >>> quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including
>     >>> organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
>     >>> scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
>     >>> scream right NOW!
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a
>     >>> rotten holiday!
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Drive drunk and die,
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> The B*tch from H*ll!!!
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Company Memo
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> DATE: November 14, 2012
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
>     >>> and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
>     >>>
>     >>> In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
>     >>> give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Happy Holidays!
>     >>>
>     >>> Joan Bishop
>     >>>
>
>
>
>
> ------ End of Forwarded Message

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  • Offline Clock'd 0Ne

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #47 on: December 07, 2012, 08:56:39 AM
That's pretty good, once I realised it was reversed from a standard email chain and read top to bottom  ;D

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #48 on: December 19, 2012, 15:40:16 PM


Ow!
What?

My foot hurts! Doesn't your foot hurt?
No, Dirk, my foot doesn't hurt.

OWWWW, my stomach hurts! Doesn't your stomach hurt?
No Dirk, my stomach doesn't hurt either!!!

Back spasm? Toothache?
No nothing like that!


Headache? Do you have one?
NO, I DON'T have a headache!!!

Yesssssss!!! We can screw!!
sh*t.

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #49 on: January 06, 2013, 13:10:55 PM
POP QUIZ

 
 
 

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was:
 
 
'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
 
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got his 70 points!   

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #50 on: January 10, 2013, 09:39:29 AM

 
 Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning
from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their
habits.
 
 
After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of
the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...
 
 
In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
 
 
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
 
 
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.
 
 
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

  • Offline bear

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #51 on: February 12, 2013, 16:41:50 PM
THE SHRINK
                 
 
      EVER SINCE I WAS  A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD
A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER  MY BED AT
NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
 
 'I've  got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's
somebody under it. I'm  scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
 
 'Just put yourself in  my hands for one year,' said the
shrink. 'Come talk to  me three times a week and we
should be able to get  rid of those fears.'
 
 'How much do you  charge?'
 
'$80.00 per  visit,' replied the doctor.
 
'I'll sleep on it,' I  said.

 Six months later the doctor met me on the  street.
'Why didn't you come to  see me about those
fears you were having?'  he asked.
 
'Well, 80 bucks a visit three times a week for a  year
is an awful lot of  money!...
A bartender cured me  for $10. I was so happy to have saved
all that money that I  went and bought me a new pickup!'
 
 'Is that so!' With a  bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may
I ask, did a bartender  cure you?'

 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed  !!!...
Ain't nobody  under there now"!!!
 
"FORGET THE SHRINKS......
.........HAVE A DRINK  & TALK TO A BARTENDER" !!!!!!

================================================================
  NO Speak English


            A German  woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived  happily ever after in his home town.

            The poor  lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate  with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for  groceries .

            One day, she  went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't  know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a  chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the  message and gave her the chicken legs.

            Next day she  needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she  clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her  breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken  breasts.

            On the 3rd  day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to  communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

             
            (Please  scroll down.)

             
            What were  you thinking?

             
             

             
            Her  husband speaks English....hellooo!

             
             
            I worry  about you sometimes!

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #52 on: February 20, 2013, 16:11:45 PM
 A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #53 on: February 20, 2013, 16:12:44 PM
. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #54 on: March 11, 2013, 08:26:25 AM
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

 

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

 

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

 

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you, Paddy ?"

 

"Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

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  • Offline Clock'd 0Ne

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #55 on: March 11, 2013, 12:29:35 PM
Good one, bear ;D

Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #56 on: March 11, 2013, 14:03:18 PM
I lol'd at the last one too :-)

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #57 on: April 16, 2013, 22:04:26 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #58 on: April 30, 2013, 16:00:03 PM
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #59 on: June 06, 2013, 06:44:51 AM
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
 
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
 
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
 
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

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