Author Topic: Jokes of the day  (Read 28670 times)

  • Offline bear

  • Rutabaga
  • Posts: 6,224
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #60 on: June 27, 2013, 11:24:25 AM
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500.  They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price.  So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
apartment .  I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady...

Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #61 on: July 27, 2013, 22:32:28 PM


  • Offline bear

  • Rutabaga
  • Posts: 6,224
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #62 on: August 08, 2013, 10:00:29 AM
  Life is like that . . . .


      Lovers help each other undress before sex.

      However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


      When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".

      But, none of them come and touch the man's  penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."

      1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

      2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

      3. If you help someone when they're in trouble,  they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

      4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

      5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

AND A BONUS RULE:  Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; 
   a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!

  • Offline bear

  • Rutabaga
  • Posts: 6,224
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #63 on: September 16, 2013, 13:57:44 PM

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.
One Sunday an out-of-town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.
He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and
said: "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina .
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack
of cigarettes and asked:   "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did !"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they
passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose
so he ventured forth with: "Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.
He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"

  • Offline bear

  • Rutabaga
  • Posts: 6,224
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #64 on: September 23, 2013, 13:39:25 PM
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.  However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.  Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child.  What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.  It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?  Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.  The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.  Next please!'

  • Offline bear

  • Rutabaga
  • Posts: 6,224
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #65 on: October 16, 2013, 10:14:16 AM
The IRS ( Internal Revenue Service) decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with a lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!

  • Offline bear

  • Rutabaga
  • Posts: 6,224
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #66 on: October 28, 2013, 16:38:21 PM

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section, called the  'Style Invitational'.

The requirements this week were to use the words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern who was giving 'personal assistance' to President  Clinton in the White House) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber who sent bombs in the mail) in the same limerick, as a play on words.

The winning entries (below) were actually printed verbatim in this very popular newspaper, without bleeps or alterations of any kind.


*Third place*:-

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.


*Second place*:-

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.



*And the winning entry*:-

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.

  • Offline bear

  • Rutabaga
  • Posts: 6,224
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #67 on: October 30, 2013, 14:48:50 PM
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "No!!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and played golf, and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End

  • Offline bear

  • Rutabaga
  • Posts: 6,224
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #68 on: December 09, 2013, 09:05:16 AM
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband: "I love you, sweetheart ."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the f**k did you do now?

7. ?!?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??

  • Offline Eagle

  • Posts: 1,867
  • Hero Member
Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #69 on: December 10, 2013, 10:35:40 AM

Bar Staff wanted in Glasgow.

Immediate start.

Must be prepared to work on a rotor.


Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #70 on: December 10, 2013, 22:28:17 PM
I've just seen my son carrying the toaster up to the bathroom.

"Fat bastard!" I yelled at him.

Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #71 on: December 10, 2013, 22:28:47 PM
"So you're able to carry shopping to a customers car free of charge?" I asked the guy in Tesco this morning.

"Yes." he replied.

I said, "Can you carry mine for me?"

He said, "Sure."

As we walked across the entire distance of the car park, I suddenly stopped beside my motor and said, "I could've carried it myself but I'm a lazy bastard."

"I gathered that." he replied, "Here's your KitKat."

Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #72 on: December 10, 2013, 22:29:14 PM

Bar Staff wanted in Glasgow.

Immediate start.

Must be prepared to work on a rotor.


Police in Glasgow have confirmed they have arrested a man who climbed on the roof of a pub to paint 'HAPPY ST. ANDREWS DAY' in giant white letters.

Fortunately they managed to stop him after he only had time to finish the 'H'.

  • Offline bear

  • Rutabaga
  • Posts: 6,224
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #73 on: December 29, 2013, 06:35:33 AM

One time I got sick and landed in hospital.
There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk
to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
“And how are we doing this morning?”

“Are we ready for a bath?” or
“Are we hungry?”
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice
off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.
Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the
urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,
“My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying,
“Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time!”
The nurse fainted... I just smiled.


  • Offline bear

  • Rutabaga
  • Posts: 6,224
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #74 on: January 26, 2014, 11:19:23 AM
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent me, cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!  It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!  But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.