Author Topic: Jokes of the day  (Read 25706 times)

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #75 on: January 27, 2014, 06:35:01 AM
He whispered, 'I'M LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'
Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down theroad, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOUWON'T BE SORRY..'!


So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.


IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.




THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDAS KISS.
SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!







SHE TURNED INTO
the first Holiday Inn
SHE COULD FIND!!!


She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #76 on: February 14, 2014, 13:38:23 PM
A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an
anesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man
exclaimed.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank,
and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just
the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates
me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any
objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm
fine with pills."

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he
swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know
Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give
you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #77 on: February 23, 2014, 06:48:22 AM
On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.

Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?”

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"

This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honor! This American needs to be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #78 on: March 02, 2014, 11:45:50 AM

And if you think lawyers don't have hearts. Read the best lawyer
story of all time...bar none.
 
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer.
 
So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that
even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't
give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research
also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
 
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to
support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband
died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage
and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has
learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so
sorry. I had no idea.'
 
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what
makes you think I'd give any to you?



and here is one on clergy.



A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.
"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up asking me to pay. I say to the waiter: I've already paid your colleague who has left. Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

The rabbi adds: "And, we're still waiting for the change!"

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #79 on: March 04, 2014, 21:49:24 PM
 We had a power outage at our house last week and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining and cold outside, so I couldn't go fishing.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person .............

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #80 on: March 13, 2014, 00:02:52 AM
Man: Is there a problem, Officer ?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Man: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Man: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want to see.

The Police man looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 Police cars circle the car. A senior Officer slowly approaches the car.

Police man 2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The man steps out of her vehicle.

Man: Is there a problem Officer ?
Police man 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Police man 2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car, please.

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

Police man 2: Is this your car, sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers. The Officer is quite stunned.
Police man 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The man digs into his pocket and pulls his license out and hands it to the Police man. The Police man snaps it and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Police man 2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding too!!!!!

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #81 on: March 28, 2014, 16:49:18 PM
Murphy  showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.  He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him  and said, " Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
 
Murphy  said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and  I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and  I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his  hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was  going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
 
The  priest said, "Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn 's hat. What  changed your mind?"
 
Murphy  replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that  I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
 
With  a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked  about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat  than burn in hell, eh ?"
 
Murphy  slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit  Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #82 on: April 01, 2014, 17:27:09 PM

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation:
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued:
"Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.


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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #83 on: April 07, 2014, 06:36:24 AM
TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1.
   
Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.
   
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.
   
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4..
   
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.
   
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1.
   
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.
   
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.
   
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.
   
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.
   
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2.
   
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
money.
3.
   
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1.
   
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.
   
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
3.
   
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.
   
Always have a positive comment about your date's
appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
WEDDINGS
1.
   
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.
   
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.
   
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance..
4.
   
Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.
   
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.
   
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.
   
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.
   
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.
   
When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.
   
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.
   
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
1.
   
All the DNA is the same.
2.
   
There are no dental records

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #84 on: April 12, 2014, 06:37:15 AM
A blonde woman was speeding down the highway in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the woman's license. The woman dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she asked the cop. "It's square and has your picture on it" the cop replied.
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse and handed it to the cop. "Here it is" she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, handed it back to the woman saying "OK. You can go. I didn't realize you were a cop".

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #85 on: May 07, 2014, 08:59:00 AM
Retired people...

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
 was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
 that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was
 now enthralled with my story.)

 Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a
poodle's ass and a car hit me.

 I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
 
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
 the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially)
 to all your retired friends...... it will be their laugh for the day!!!

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #86 on: September 28, 2014, 10:38:47 AM
A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an
anesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man
exclaimed.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank,
and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just
the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates
me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any
objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm
fine with pills."

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he
swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know
Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give
you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

lol You don't need the viagra if you have a very pretty young woman with large boobies do it, like I did during my late teens....  ;) ;)

Unfortunately she wasn't interested in me, only my teeth  :(

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #87 on: October 10, 2014, 06:39:57 AM

> Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina
>     bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about
>     to jump off the  Pee Dee River Bridge .  So they stopped.
>
>
>     George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his
>     Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
>     Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing,
>     and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that
>     railin'?"
>
>     She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
>
>     While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also
>     didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either
>     so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why
>     don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
>
>     So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the
>     railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep,
>     lingering kiss followed immediately by another even
>     better one.
>
>
>
>     After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big
>     thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the
>     onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
>     "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's
>     a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You
>     could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you
>     committing suicide?"
>
>     "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
>
>     It's still unclear whether she/he jumped or was pushed.

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #88 on: January 14, 2015, 10:17:49 AM
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who, it just so happened, liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
 
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
 
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
 
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
 
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
 
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
 
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #89 on: January 15, 2015, 18:04:01 PM
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk
 
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados."
 
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!  Men will get it the first time. 

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