Chat > General Discussion
Jokes of the day
bear:
A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned,” then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
bear:
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary
lives that the Lord is granting you six months
to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."
And poof she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna”.
And poof she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he asked.
"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry,
but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her
habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No sister,
the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline'
that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!
bear:
The Irish Painters Dilemma
A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew. Soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object. In fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.
bear:
enawilliam are you a joke ?
bear:
The professor was telling his early morning class:
"I've found that the best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a deep breath of fresh air, and then have a bowl of delicious cereal with raisins and almonds and a cup of green tea and finish with a cold shower. Then I feel rosy all over."
A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, "Tell us more about Rosy.”
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version