Chat => General Discussion => Topic started by: bear on February 06, 2011, 11:51:26 AM

Title: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on February 06, 2011, 11:51:26 AM
Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand,  clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. 
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?"
They cut the cards.  Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet?  I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.  Discretion is my middle name.  Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.  The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?  Goldberg declares:  "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.


How to Give a Cat a Pill

1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
 Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
 Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15.  Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Clock'd 0Ne on February 06, 2011, 12:45:25 PM
I've tried giving a cat a pill before, it really is as bad as that!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mongoose on February 07, 2011, 11:39:03 AM
my parents first cat was devious in her determination to not take pills. She had long figured out that the humans would keep at it until the pill was swallowed, so rather than putting up any particular fight she would allow you to put the pill in her mouth, close her mouth and even mime swallowing. She would then sneak into a corner and spit the pill out anything up to 5 minutes later.

On the other hand we had another cat who I swear was adicted to the "paletable" pills our vets started doing. He would actually beg for them.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: knighty on February 07, 2011, 21:25:47 PM
one of our dogs is getting on a bit and needs a couple of pills every day.... he's used to it now so much so that when you get the box of tablets out he comes over, sits next to you, and then opens his mouth for the pill.... pop it on his tong and he swallows it straight away]

the only problem is the other dog gets jealous and tries to steal them!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bear on February 21, 2011, 17:31:15 PM

    A man and a woman were  sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
    The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently  wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.
    A few minutes  later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

    Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
    A few more  minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her  body shaking even more than before.

    Unable to  restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I  couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.  Are you OK?"

    "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

    The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.  "I have never heard of that condition before", he said.  "Are you taking anything for it?"

    The woman nodded, "Pepper"
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on February 23, 2011, 13:59:13 PM
A helicopter was flying into Seattle when an electrical malfunction

disabled its electronic navigation and communications equipment. Thanks to

clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and

course to fly to the airport. Seeing a tall building he flew toward it,

hovered, drew a large handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's

window. The sign read, "WHERE AM I?"


People in the tall building quickly responded by holding a sign that read

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" against a window. The pilot smiled, waved, glanced

at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed

safely. Asked by the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A

HELICOPTER" sign could help determine their position, the pilot replied, "I

knew that building had to be the Microsoft HQ because they gave me a

technically correct, but totally unhelpful answer."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on February 25, 2011, 18:57:52 PM
The Tao does not speak
  The Tao does not blame.
  The Tao does not take sides.
  The Tao has no expectations.
  The Tao demands nothing of others
 The Tao is not Jewish.
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on February 28, 2011, 07:47:24 AM
5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.   The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'   

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..  'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'  Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in   Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'  Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'  The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'   

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.  It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch....

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy...  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ...   

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy...

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!     
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on March 03, 2011, 18:55:33 PM
Will Rogers:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories about arguing with a woman... Neither  works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back  into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved. (My personal favorite)
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it's called golf. 

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on March 18, 2011, 15:46:57 PM
Man sitting at home on the veranda with  his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the  beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me.............. talking to the  beer."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: Serious on March 24, 2011, 03:21:39 AM
Why, if the politicians, lawyers and bankers are supposed to be the turkeys, are we the ones always getting plucked?  :(
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on April 08, 2011, 16:24:34 PM
In an posh English accent: "Yoga's detoxifying." Really? In what measurable way, you stupid f**king new age limey?
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on May 02, 2011, 06:43:18 AM
Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on May 12, 2011, 19:23:28 PM
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!  They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says.  "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.  The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives.  But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue?   I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on May 20, 2011, 06:56:35 AM
man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.   
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one.   
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your
loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you; but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's.", answered the man.
''What happened to her?", the curious man asked.
The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog
turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: skidzilla on May 29, 2011, 21:23:42 PM
The voluptuous blond was chatting with
her handsome escort in a posh
restaurant when their waiter, stumbling
as he brought their drinks, dumped a
martini on the rocks down the back of
the blonde's dress. She sprang to her
feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed
wildly around the table, then galloped
wriggling from the room followed by her
distraught boyfriend. A man seated on
the other side of the room with a date
of his own beckoned to the waiter and
said, "We'll have two of whatever she
was drinking."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on June 04, 2011, 22:49:27 PM
Why men wear earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so  popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion  sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his  curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing  one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on June 08, 2011, 11:10:49 AM
A Priest's  Retirement Dinner

A Priest was  being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the
parish. A leading  local politician and member of the congregation was chosen
to make the  presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed,  so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they

"I got  my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I  thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person who  entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when  questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's  wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But
as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had,  indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as  the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being  late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his
talk. "I'll  never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived", said the
politician. "In  fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him
for  confession."

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: Clock'd 0Ne on June 08, 2011, 12:36:22 PM
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe between her legs, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on June 08, 2011, 17:37:45 PM
HoHo    :roll:
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on July 07, 2011, 12:08:13 PM
"The Cow"

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving
milk.  The people did some research and found that they
could buy a cow from Pinsk for 2,000 rubles, or one
from Minsk for 1,000 rubles.  Being frugal, they bought
the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful.  It produced lots of milk all the
time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow
and produce more cows like it.  Then they would never
have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their
beloved cow.  However, whenever the bull came close
to the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what
approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from
the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi,
who was very wise, what to do.  They told the rabbi what
was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow,
she moves away.  If he approaches from the back, she
moves forward. When he approaches her from the front,
she backs off.  An approach from the side and she just
walks away to the other side. The rabbi thought about
this for a minute and asked,

"Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded.  They had never mentioned
where they had gotten the cow.  "You are truly a wise rabbi.
How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on August 11, 2011, 21:48:56 PM
Recently, in a large city in France , a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.

It said,  "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,  whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,  responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious

They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.

They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagoniam the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia .

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs!
They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.

They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.

If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis.
Fish or human?

They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?

Just look at them ... where is IT?

Therefore, they don't have kids either.

Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:

I want to be a whale.

P..S.  We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today,  When I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,

"Good grief, look how smart I am!"
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: Emez on November 20, 2011, 20:28:14 PM
3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest d**k in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the F**K is JUSTIN BEIBER?
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: Serious on December 25, 2011, 05:12:18 AM
As it's Christmas, perhaps a modernised carol?

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
Went for a pizza to the hut
Deep Pan, crisp and even

OK, it's c**p, it's also Christmas  :P
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on January 13, 2012, 08:48:33 AM
"We don't serve neutrinos faster than light here" says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on January 17, 2012, 10:07:45 AM
I think someone makes them up - not really for real.

Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take
an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.
She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying,
my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant,so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on February 06, 2012, 06:50:13 AM
Be careful what you purchase on eBay --
A friend Spent $50 on a penis enlarger --
Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.
Instructions said don't use in the sunlight.
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on February 16, 2012, 20:07:06 PM

Husband comes home one night, and his wife
throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have
great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're
going to have a baby! Until the doctor confirms
the test result we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company
rings the door-bell, because the couple hasn't
paid their last bill:

"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue,
you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"


"Well, let me talk to my husband about this

That night, she tells her husband about the visit,
and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric
company's office the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that
my wife is a month overdue? What business is
that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious.
All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but
to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!"
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on June 05, 2012, 16:43:46 PM
Saving money.

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
Sure, they said, you’re welcome. So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
“I’m a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!” was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her . . . He's naked, too!!! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you: one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
“Sure, what do you want?”
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you gonna' do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on June 09, 2012, 16:59:56 PM
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her
significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a
bill for $250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.
"It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just
an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she
insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk,
"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the
in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best
entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But
I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she
decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But
madam, this check is for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,"
she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on June 17, 2012, 06:47:33 AM

A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!"
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on June 20, 2012, 09:49:08 AM
More senior jokes :)

I guess I just thought they would be much more appreciative. :-(

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: knighty on June 20, 2012, 13:26:25 PM
keep posting bear, I like em... just feel a bit daft posting 'lol' every time :-)
Title: Re: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: Leon on June 20, 2012, 13:59:10 PM
keep posting bear, I like em... just feel a bit daft posting 'lol' every time :-)

Same :)
Title: Re: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: Serious on June 21, 2012, 00:38:38 AM
keep posting bear, I like em... just feel a bit daft posting 'lol' every time :-)

Same :)

I think it reminds them of me...  :-[
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: knighty on June 22, 2012, 01:43:47 AM
I've been torturing a centipede for 98 days, it's on it's last legs!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: Leon on June 22, 2012, 01:57:27 AM
No lol for you knighty :P
Title: Re: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: XEntity on June 22, 2012, 09:33:43 AM
keep posting bear, I like em... just feel a bit daft posting 'lol' every time :-)

Same :)

We need a lol button, a bit like a like button but with more lol
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on June 22, 2012, 10:33:55 AM
keep posting bear, I like em... just feel a bit daft posting 'lol' every time :-)

Same :)

We need a lol button, a bit like a like button but with more lol
Like :)
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: knighty on June 25, 2012, 03:10:34 AM
Woman in court charged with stealing a tin of peaches. Judge asks "how many peaches were in the tin?" to which she replies "there were 4." He tells her that she will serve 1 month for each peach. As she is being lead away her husband shouts from the public gallery . . "AND SHE STOLE A TIN OF PEAS!"
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on July 24, 2012, 09:40:33 AM
-dude I wasn't THAT drunk !
-dude, you gave a mushroom to a midget and kept yelling "GROW MARIO GROW ! "
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on August 11, 2012, 15:12:22 PM

Only in This Stupid World
......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the BACK of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in This Stupid World
.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, with a diet coke.

Only in This Stupid World
.....do banks leave vault doors open but then chain the pens to the counters..

Only in This Stupid World
......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway while putting
our useless junk in the garage.

Only in This Stupid World ...........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten with buns in
packages of eight..

Only in This Stupid World .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


Why the sun lightens
our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the
Headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is
'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that
Doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made
with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who
invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of
day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there
mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah
swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the
needle for lethal injections?

You know that
indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep
shrink when it rains?

Why are they called
apartments when they are all stuck together?

I like this one!!!

If con is the opposite of
Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so
safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)
...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on September 15, 2012, 16:29:08 PM
Farmer and Old Lady

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a  couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to   1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house.  I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in  the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady!  I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on October 02, 2012, 18:37:50 PM

I was in Florida....and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read...
 'I miss The Bronx.'

So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that read, "I hope this helps."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on October 04, 2012, 06:23:29 AM
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and became so heavy and so fast
that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the local police station and said,
"You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens."

"What do you want us to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Main Road ’s workers
go out to erect a sign that said:


Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said,
"You've got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So, again, the policeman sends out the Main Roads workers’
and they put up a new sign:

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and
called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the policeman, "Your signs are doing no
good at all ... can I put up my own sign?"
The policeman said, "Sure, go ahead."
He was willing to let Farmer John do just about anything
in order to get him to stop calling to complain.

The policeman got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the policeman
and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “ How’s the
problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did,” replied Farmer John, ”and not one chicken
has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The policeman was really curious and he thought to himself,
"I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign … it might
be something that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So he drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped
the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....
Go slow and watch out for chicks!
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on December 03, 2012, 06:43:14 AM
What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

'What is 3 x 3?'


'What is 6 x 6?'


And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms... Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on December 07, 2012, 06:30:47 AM

May be a repeat for some but I find it funny.

>       Company Memo
>     >>> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>            TO: All Employees
>            DATE: November 10, 2012RE: Gala Christmas Party
>            I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
>     >>> December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
>     >>> Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have
>     >>> a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And
>     >>> don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
>     >>> Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among
>     >>> employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
>     >>> $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
>     >>> gathering is only for employees!Our CEO will make a special announcement
>     >>> at that time!Merry Christmas to you and your family,
>     >>>
>     >>> Patty
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Company Memo
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> TO: All Employees
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> DATE: November 11, 2012
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> RE: Gala Holiday Party
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
>     >>> We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
>     >>> coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
>     >>> from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
>     >>> applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still
>     >>> celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no
>     >>> Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for
>     >>> your enjoyment.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Happy now?
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Happy Holidays to you and your family,
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Patty
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Company Memo
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> TO: All Employees
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> DATE: November 12, 2012
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> RE: Holiday Party
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
>     >>> requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.. I'm happy
>     >>> to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
>     >>> "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
>     >>> handle this?
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Somebody?
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
>     >>> since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the
>     >>> executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Company Memo
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> To: All Employees
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> DATE: November 13, 2012
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> RE: Generic Holiday Party
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
>     >>> the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
>     >>> during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
>     >>> appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
>     >>> Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
>     >>> serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything
>     >>> for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
>     >>> from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest
>     >>> to the restrooms.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
>     >>> with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
>     >>> that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about
>     >>> confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> We will have booster seats for short people.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
>     >>> the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
>     >>> pressure taste a bite first.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
>     >>> restaurant cannot supply "no sugar"desserts. Sorry!
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Did I miss anything?!?!?
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Patty
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Company Memo
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> TO: All F*%^ing Employees
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> DATE: November 13, 2012
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this
>     >>> party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
>     >>> quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
>     >>> quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including
>     >>> organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
>     >>> scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
>     >>> scream right NOW!
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a
>     >>> rotten holiday!
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Drive drunk and die,
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> The B*tch from H*ll!!!
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Company Memo
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> DATE: November 14, 2012
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
>     >>> and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
>     >>>
>     >>> In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
>     >>> give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>>
>     >>> Happy Holidays!
>     >>>
>     >>> Joan Bishop
>     >>>
> ------ End of Forwarded Message
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: Clock'd 0Ne on December 07, 2012, 08:56:39 AM
That's pretty good, once I realised it was reversed from a standard email chain and read top to bottom  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on December 19, 2012, 15:40:16 PM


My foot hurts! Doesn't your foot hurt?
No, Dirk, my foot doesn't hurt.

OWWWW, my stomach hurts! Doesn't your stomach hurt?
No Dirk, my stomach doesn't hurt either!!!

Back spasm? Toothache?
No nothing like that!

Headache? Do you have one?
NO, I DON'T have a headache!!!

Yesssssss!!! We can screw!!
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on January 06, 2013, 13:10:55 PM


Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was:
'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got his 70 points!   
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on January 10, 2013, 09:39:29 AM

 Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning
from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their
After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of
the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...
In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on February 12, 2013, 16:41:50 PM
 'I've  got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's
somebody under it. I'm  scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
 'Just put yourself in  my hands for one year,' said the
shrink. 'Come talk to  me three times a week and we
should be able to get  rid of those fears.'
 'How much do you  charge?'
'$80.00 per  visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I  said.

 Six months later the doctor met me on the  street.
'Why didn't you come to  see me about those
fears you were having?'  he asked.
'Well, 80 bucks a visit three times a week for a  year
is an awful lot of  money!...
A bartender cured me  for $10. I was so happy to have saved
all that money that I  went and bought me a new pickup!'
 'Is that so!' With a  bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may
I ask, did a bartender  cure you?'

 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed  !!!...
Ain't nobody  under there now"!!!
.........HAVE A DRINK  & TALK TO A BARTENDER" !!!!!!

  NO Speak English

            A German  woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived  happily ever after in his home town.

            The poor  lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate  with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for  groceries .

            One day, she  went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't  know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a  chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the  message and gave her the chicken legs.

            Next day she  needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she  clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her  breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken  breasts.

            On the 3rd  day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to  communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

            (Please  scroll down.)

            What were  you thinking?


            Her  husband speaks English....hellooo!

            I worry  about you sometimes!
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on February 20, 2013, 16:11:45 PM
 A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on February 20, 2013, 16:12:44 PM
. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on March 11, 2013, 08:26:25 AM
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."


"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."


"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"


The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you, Paddy ?"


"Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: Clock'd 0Ne on March 11, 2013, 12:29:35 PM
Good one, bear ;D
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: knighty on March 11, 2013, 14:03:18 PM
I lol'd at the last one too :-)
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on April 16, 2013, 22:04:26 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on April 30, 2013, 16:00:03 PM
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on June 06, 2013, 06:44:51 AM
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on June 27, 2013, 11:24:25 AM
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500.  They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price.  So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
apartment .  I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady...
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: knighty on July 27, 2013, 22:32:28 PM




Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on August 08, 2013, 10:00:29 AM
  Life is like that . . . .


      Lovers help each other undress before sex.

      However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


      When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".

      But, none of them come and touch the man's  penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."

      1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

      2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

      3. If you help someone when they're in trouble,  they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

      4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

      5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

AND A BONUS RULE:  Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; 
   a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on September 16, 2013, 13:57:44 PM

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.
One Sunday an out-of-town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.
He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and
said: "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina .
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack
of cigarettes and asked:   "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did !"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they
passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose
so he ventured forth with: "Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.
He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on September 23, 2013, 13:39:25 PM
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.  However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.  Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child.  What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.  It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?  Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.  The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.  Next please!'
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on October 16, 2013, 10:14:16 AM
The IRS ( Internal Revenue Service) decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with a lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on October 28, 2013, 16:38:21 PM

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section, called the  'Style Invitational'.

The requirements this week were to use the words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern who was giving 'personal assistance' to President  Clinton in the White House) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber who sent bombs in the mail) in the same limerick, as a play on words.

The winning entries (below) were actually printed verbatim in this very popular newspaper, without bleeps or alterations of any kind.


*Third place*:-

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.


*Second place*:-

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.



*And the winning entry*:-

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on October 30, 2013, 14:48:50 PM
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "No!!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and played golf, and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on December 09, 2013, 09:05:16 AM
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband: "I love you, sweetheart ."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the f**k did you do now?

7. ?!?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: Eagle on December 10, 2013, 10:35:40 AM

Bar Staff wanted in Glasgow.

Immediate start.

Must be prepared to work on a rotor.

Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: knighty on December 10, 2013, 22:28:17 PM
I've just seen my son carrying the toaster up to the bathroom.

"Fat bastard!" I yelled at him.
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: knighty on December 10, 2013, 22:28:47 PM
"So you're able to carry shopping to a customers car free of charge?" I asked the guy in Tesco this morning.

"Yes." he replied.

I said, "Can you carry mine for me?"

He said, "Sure."

As we walked across the entire distance of the car park, I suddenly stopped beside my motor and said, "I could've carried it myself but I'm a lazy bastard."

"I gathered that." he replied, "Here's your KitKat."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: knighty on December 10, 2013, 22:29:14 PM

Bar Staff wanted in Glasgow.

Immediate start.

Must be prepared to work on a rotor.


Police in Glasgow have confirmed they have arrested a man who climbed on the roof of a pub to paint 'HAPPY ST. ANDREWS DAY' in giant white letters.

Fortunately they managed to stop him after he only had time to finish the 'H'.
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on December 29, 2013, 06:35:33 AM

One time I got sick and landed in hospital.
There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk
to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
“And how are we doing this morning?”

“Are we ready for a bath?” or
“Are we hungry?”
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice
off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.
Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the
urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,
“My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying,
“Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time!”
The nurse fainted... I just smiled.


Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on January 26, 2014, 11:19:23 AM
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent me, cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!  It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!  But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on January 27, 2014, 06:35:01 AM
Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down theroad, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOUWON'T BE SORRY..'!

So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.


the first Holiday Inn

She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on February 14, 2014, 13:38:23 PM
A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an
anesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank,
and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just
the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any
objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm
fine with pills."

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he
swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know
Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give
you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on February 23, 2014, 06:48:22 AM
On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.

Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?”

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"

This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honor! This American needs to be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on March 02, 2014, 11:45:50 AM

And if you think lawyers don't have hearts. Read the best lawyer
story of all time...bar none.
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer.
So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that
even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't
give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research
also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to
support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband
died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage
and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has
learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so
sorry. I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what
makes you think I'd give any to you?

and here is one on clergy.

A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.
"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up asking me to pay. I say to the waiter: I've already paid your colleague who has left. Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

The rabbi adds: "And, we're still waiting for the change!"
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on March 04, 2014, 21:49:24 PM
 We had a power outage at our house last week and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining and cold outside, so I couldn't go fishing.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person .............
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: Clock'd 0Ne on March 13, 2014, 00:02:52 AM
Man: Is there a problem, Officer ?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Man: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Man: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want to see.

The Police man looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 Police cars circle the car. A senior Officer slowly approaches the car.

Police man 2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The man steps out of her vehicle.

Man: Is there a problem Officer ?
Police man 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Police man 2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car, please.

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

Police man 2: Is this your car, sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers. The Officer is quite stunned.
Police man 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The man digs into his pocket and pulls his license out and hands it to the Police man. The Police man snaps it and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Police man 2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding too!!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on March 28, 2014, 16:49:18 PM
Murphy  showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.  He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him  and said, " Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy  said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and  I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and  I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his  hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was  going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The  priest said, "Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn 's hat. What  changed your mind?"
Murphy  replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that  I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With  a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked  about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat  than burn in hell, eh ?"
Murphy  slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit  Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on April 01, 2014, 17:27:09 PM

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation:
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued:
"Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on April 07, 2014, 06:36:24 AM

Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Always have a positive comment about your date's
appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance..
Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
All the DNA is the same.
There are no dental records
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on April 12, 2014, 06:37:15 AM
A blonde woman was speeding down the highway in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the woman's license. The woman dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she asked the cop. "It's square and has your picture on it" the cop replied.
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse and handed it to the cop. "Here it is" she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, handed it back to the woman saying "OK. You can go. I didn't realize you were a cop".
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on May 07, 2014, 08:59:00 AM
Retired people...

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
 was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
 that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was
 now enthralled with my story.)

 Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a
poodle's ass and a car hit me.

 I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
 the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially)
 to all your retired friends...... it will be their laugh for the day!!!
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: Serious on September 28, 2014, 10:38:47 AM
A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an
anesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank,
and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just
the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any
objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm
fine with pills."

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he
swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know
Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give
you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

lol You don't need the viagra if you have a very pretty young woman with large boobies do it, like I did during my late teens....  ;) ;)

Unfortunately she wasn't interested in me, only my teeth  :(
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on October 10, 2014, 06:39:57 AM

> Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina
>     bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about
>     to jump off the  Pee Dee River Bridge .  So they stopped.
>     George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his
>     Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
>     Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing,
>     and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that
>     railin'?"
>     She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
>     While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also
>     didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either
>     so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why
>     don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
>     So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the
>     railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep,
>     lingering kiss followed immediately by another even
>     better one.
>     After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big
>     thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the
>     onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
>     "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's
>     a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You
>     could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you
>     committing suicide?"
>     "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
>     It's still unclear whether she/he jumped or was pushed.
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on January 14, 2015, 10:17:49 AM
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who, it just so happened, liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on January 15, 2015, 18:04:01 PM
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!  Men will get it the first time. 
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on October 29, 2015, 19:00:10 PM

    “Hi Bob,
    This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings, after you've left for work. I've been having troubles with mine at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much with yours being readily available. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.


    Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his shed, grabbed his axe, and without a word, killed his wife. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa, contemplating his next decision. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbor's text and saw he had another message.


    Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.”

Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on February 11, 2016, 06:50:19 AM


                A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.”

                The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.

                Suddenly, there was a long, High Pitched Scream, then the crowd erupted in a cheer and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. He landed with a thud, flat on his back, and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

                The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked “How in the world did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

                The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”

                The trainer exclaimed “That's what finished him off?"

                Paddy replied, "Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."

Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on April 12, 2016, 21:08:34 PM

This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. 
A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking. 
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches thereafter.   
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed. He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman  "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?"
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: BobbyHamilton on April 16, 2018, 15:49:44 PM
More jokes to lighten up the mood:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: BobbyHamilton on April 16, 2018, 15:50:08 PM
Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need..

...just five more minutes.
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on May 07, 2018, 19:54:22 PM
A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. 
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?” 
The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.” 
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned,” then returned to his paper. 
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?” 
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on May 21, 2018, 22:00:43 PM
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary
lives that the Lord is granting you six months
to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."
And poof she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna”.
And poof she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he asked.

"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry,
but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her
habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No sister,
the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline'
that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on July 17, 2018, 08:36:58 AM
The Irish Painters Dilemma

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a  gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew. Soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. 

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object. In fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000. 

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.

Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on August 17, 2018, 15:35:05 PM
enawilliam are you a joke ?
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on November 30, 2018, 17:00:03 PM

    The professor was telling his early morning class:
     "I've found that the best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a deep breath of fresh air, and then have a bowl of delicious cereal with raisins and almonds and a cup of green tea and finish with a cold shower. Then I feel rosy all over." 
    A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, "Tell us more about Rosy.”

Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on March 28, 2019, 12:22:22 PM
Title: Re: Jokes of the day
Post by: bear on September 10, 2021, 09:57:15 AM