Author Topic: Jokes of the day  (Read 23885 times)

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #90 on: October 29, 2015, 19:00:10 PM
THE FIRST MESSAGE

    “Hi Bob,
    This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings, after you've left for work. I've been having troubles with mine at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much with yours being readily available. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.

THE REACTION

    Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his shed, grabbed his axe, and without a word, killed his wife. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa, contemplating his next decision. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbor's text and saw he had another message.

THE SECOND MESSAGE

    Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.”



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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #91 on: February 11, 2016, 06:50:19 AM


                PADDY, THE IRISH WRESTLER

                A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.”

                The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.

                Suddenly, there was a long, High Pitched Scream, then the crowd erupted in a cheer and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. He landed with a thud, flat on his back, and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

                The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked “How in the world did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

                The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”

                The trainer exclaimed “That's what finished him off?"

                Paddy replied, "Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."


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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #92 on: April 12, 2016, 21:08:34 PM

This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. 
A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking. 
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches thereafter.   
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed. He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman  "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?"

Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #93 on: April 16, 2018, 15:49:44 PM
More jokes to lighten up the mood:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"

Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #94 on: April 16, 2018, 15:50:08 PM
Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need..

...just five more minutes.

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #95 on: May 07, 2018, 19:54:22 PM
A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. 
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?” 
The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.” 
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned,” then returned to his paper. 
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?” 
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #96 on: May 21, 2018, 22:00:43 PM
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
 
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary
lives that the Lord is granting you six months
to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."
And poof she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna”.
And poof she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he asked.

"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry,
but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her
habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No sister,
the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline'
that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #97 on: July 17, 2018, 08:36:58 AM
The Irish Painters Dilemma

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a  gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew. Soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. 

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object. In fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000. 

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.


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Re: Jokes of the day
Reply #98 on: August 17, 2018, 15:35:05 PM
enawilliam are you a joke ?

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