A Priest's  Retirement Dinner


A Priest was  being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the
parish. A leading  local politician and member of the congregation was chosen
to make the  presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed,  so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they
waited.

"I got  my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I  thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person who  entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when  questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's  wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But
as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had,  indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as  the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being  late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his
talk. "I'll  never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived", said the
politician. "In  fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him
for  confession."

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

HoHo   

Recently, in a large city in France , a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.

It said,  "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,  whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,  responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans.

They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.

They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagoniam the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia .

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs!
They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.

They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.

If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis.
Fish or human?

They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?

Just look at them ... where is IT?

Therefore, they don't have kids either.

Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:

I want to be a whale.

P..S.  We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today,  When I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,

"Good grief, look how smart I am!"

As it's Christmas, perhaps a modernised carol?

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
Went for a pizza to the hut
Deep Pan, crisp and even

OK, it's c**p, it's also Christmas 

I think someone makes them up - not really for real.





Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take
an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.
She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying,
my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant,so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

"Overdue"

Husband comes home one night, and his wife
throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have
great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're
going to have a baby! Until the doctor confirms
the test result we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company
rings the door-bell, because the couple hasn't
paid their last bill:

"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue,
you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young
woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man.

"What are you saying? It's in your files??"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this
tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit,
and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric
company's office the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that
my wife is a month overdue? What business is
that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious.
All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but
to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband
asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!"