The Dos and Donts of Candidate Press Coverage




HILLARY CLINTON

It is sexist to question whether the candidates alleged marriage is legit,
or to say anything about her husband. Positive or negative.

Do not call Hillary Clinton "shrill." The candidate is penetrating and sharp;
intense, passionate and fervent, but not shrill. Or strident.

It is bad form to ask where Senator Clinton got her 35 years of experience.
She got it the old fashioned way; she earned it.

Do not call her husband an oaf. He is a lummox.


BARACK OBAMA

Do not under any circumstances use the Senators middle name.

Do not call Barrack Obama "articulate." The candidate is eloquent
and coherent; lucid, persuasive and expressive, but not articulate. Or clean.

You are requested not to use the words black, brown, white, red, yellow,
pink, charcoal, onyx or inky. Ebony and obsidian are OK.

The Senator is not gamin. He is lithe with the audacity of hope.

The cheap and demeaning "Obambi" is out of bounds, and neither is he doe-eyed.
His eyes are alive with the promise of tomorrow.


JOHN McCain

Avoid the word "old."

The Senators middle name is Sidney. Go ahead; use it.

It is ageist to question whether the candidates alleged infidelity is legit,
or to say anything about his supposed girlfriend looking exactly like his wife.
Just chalk it up to a case of mistaken identity.

Please refrain from making comparisons to any other former veterans. Especially Captain Queeg.

Stop asking for a demonstration of the candidates authenticity. You wouldnt recognize it if you saw it anyhow.

You should not call John McCarran "prickly." The candidate is penetrating and sharp; intense,
passionate and fervent, but not prickly. Neither is he shrill, grouchy, irritable or cantankerous.
Or crabby or belligerent. Or grumpy. Or crotchety.

Cindy McCain is the candidates wife, not his attending nurse.

When referring to a Vice President assuming the duties of the Presidency, please speak about this
happening in the case of incapacitation, not death.

You are requested not to use the words getting" and "on" next to each other in a
sentence. Or "wizened," "elderly," "coot" or "geezer." "Mature" and "sage-like" are OK.

Remarks about Early Bird Dinners are not appreciated.