culled from EHOWA.com [NSFW hence no link]


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldnt be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


  CHILI # 1 - MIKES MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

  Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

  Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

  Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope thats the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



  CHILI # 2 - AUSTINS AFTERBURNER CHILI...

  Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

  Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

  Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. Im not sure
what Im supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.



  CHILI # 3 - FREDS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

  Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

  Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

  Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. Ive located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. Im getting  sh*t-faced from
all of the beer.



  CHILI # 4 - BUBBAS BLACK MAGIC...

  Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

  Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for  
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

  Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste Im eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?



  CHILI # 5 LISAS LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

  Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

  Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

  Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if Im burning
my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.



  CHILI # 6 - VERAS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

  Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili Good balance of
spices and peppers.

  Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

  Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*t on myself when I farted and Im worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Cant feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with
a snow cone.



  CHILI # 7 - SUSANS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..

  Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

  Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

  Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldnt feel a thing. Ive lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, theyll know what killed me. Ive
decided to stop breathing its too painful. Screw it; Im not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, Ill just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.



  CHILI # 8 - BIG TOMS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

  Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

  Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if hes going to make it. poor feller, wonder how hed have
reacted to really hot chili?

  Judge # 3 - No Report

hahahaha!!!

Had me laughing out loud hysterically for a good 5 minutes!

Absolutely ancient.

Is very old, was posted on the previous forums at least twice but still funny and you can bet someone still hasnt read it

Original was a slightly different version...

http://www.wbrucecameron.com/pages/columns/chilijudge.htm