I thought I would return in style with some old classics, enjoy!  



He said . . . I dont know why you wear a bra; youve got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants dont you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . Thats a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . Why dont women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They dont have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We dont know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.

 

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The train was quite crowded, so the U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French womans poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Maam, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, maam. May I sit down? Im very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didnt say another word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong  bitch out the window."

 

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differs so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT?!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."Youre just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Cant you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldnt decide which one to take so I told her well just get them all.

She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesnt even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "Thats fine,honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I dont feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. "Youre just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why cant you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently Im not having sex tonight either!

 

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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didnt perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmers favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butchs bell hadnt rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer Johns amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldnt ring. Hed sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they werent paying attention?

 

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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

"You disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! Im leaving you. I want a divorce!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute Luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but theyll be the last words youll say to me!"

And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadnt eaten for three days!

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldnt eat because youre afraid youll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but dont use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you dont use because I dont have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you dont use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and dont use because someone at work has the
same pair."

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

"Please .. do you have anything else that your wife doesnt use?"

 

 
 
 
 
 

Quote from: Miss_KinkyHe said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We dont know; it has never happened.

Thats simply untrue, I *always* put a new roll on the holder when the old one runs out.

As for the rooster one, how much corn have you been eating?  

how many women does it take to change a lightbulb?



2, one to punch in the mouth while the other gets the point.