The Bride Tells Her Husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know Im a virgin and I dont know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place the
prison and call my private thing the prisoner. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Girls night out


Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didnt want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first womans husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "Thats nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!

Poor guy


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While hes in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guys an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasnt seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, dont resist, dont complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, hell kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasnt kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Church Bells


On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadnt come along, hed still be alive today!"

Last Day on the Job


It was the mailmans last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cups bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but whats the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "f**k him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Step ....... AWAY from the Keyboard!!!!!  

 The Tiger


A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, Im not a virgin."

The husband replies, "Thats no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, Ive been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, hes rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "Im hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldnt do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"Hed come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "Im still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldnt do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"Hed come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish hes tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! Im calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Things You Never Use


Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman. "Thats it!" she shouted, "Im leaving and Im not coming back!"

"Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Cant you at least let me explain?"

"Fine, lets hear your story," Donna replied.

"Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained Glen.

"I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesnt fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didnt serve to me."

"Then," Glen continued, "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, Is there anything else your wife doesnt use anymore?"

Angry Wife


A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didnt see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 

Quote from: mrtStep ....... AWAY from the Keyboard!!!!!  

Bit rich!

Jaimz

A Wifes Revenge


A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice.

Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw.

Terrified, her husband screamed, "Stop! Please! You arent going to cut it off, are you?"

Placing the saw in her husbands hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied, "Of course not! Im going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!"

 
Ancient Chinese Torture


A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "Im lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldnt keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old mans warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldnt hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, thats pretty crappy," he thought. "If thats the best the old man can do then I dont have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Quote from: kinkybiatchPoor guy


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While hes in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guys an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasnt seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, dont resist, dont complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, hell kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasnt kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Good one

A load of golden oldies with a few new ones mixed in

Quote from: Jaimz

Quote from: mrtStep ....... AWAY from the Keyboard!!!!!  

Bit rich!

Jaimz

Most definately!