Thats alt.fan.cecil-adams--the worlds most superiorest Usenet group.

QuoteHot topic of the week: Whether the poster on the wall is more likely to
start curling from the top or the bottom. That and health care. And horse
breeding. And pie. WE LIEK PIE!

The one F-117 shot down to date was brought down by a SAM missile over
Kosovo in 1999. It was detected by long pulse duration radar, which the
F-117 was not designed to fool.

An 80-year-old New York cemetery worker has been charged with using a rake as an offensive weapon after allegedly beating a man who caught him
urinating on a relatives grave, prosecutors said.

The Inuit were alleged to have a saying: "If you sweat, you die."

From 1942 until his death in 1945, Adolf Hitler was given daily intravenous
injections of methamphetamine by his personal physician, Theodor Morell, as
a treatment for depression and fatigue.

For the first time, a drumlin - a mound of sediment and rock - has been
observed mid-formation. It was found under the ice in Antarctica, a team
reported in the journal Geology. The scientists believe it will help shed
light on ice-sheet behavior.

Horse sperm doesnt freeze or ship very well.

Motorists who use cell phones while driving are four times as likely to get
into crashes serious enough to injure themselves, according to a study of
drivers in Perth, Australia, conducted by the Insurance Institute for
Highway Safety. The results, published in July, 2005, suggest that banning
hand-held phone use wont necessarily improve safety if drivers simply
switch to hand-free phones (several other studies suggest the same).

MONITOR SPLATTERS:

Oh, I hate those paper clips.  Youre just about to get digging in, and
suddenly the damned clip will jump out, wiggle, blink its eyes and say "It
looks like youre cleaning out your ear.  Do you want help?"

It was "Fat Bottomed Girls."

"This was, of course, in the days before American Airlines was abolished."

We have the smartest guy on Usenet posting here. Try to guess who it is.

I get free legal, dental, and another 15 years on my mortgage.

They make me sit atop one of the bollards while they raise and lower it
every few seconds and make me sing "Its Raining Men".

You realize the unofficial strategic motto of the Democratic Party is,
"Hey, We Know How to Be Stupid Too!"

MOTTOS:

I think its always a good idea to be able to flee the country on a
moments notice.

A 100% fact-free post, in keeping with the thread.

Mackerels, for everybody!*

Wont someone please think of the slug children!

Hey! If youd said it was work-safe, I wouldnt have wasted my time
looking.

This was funnier the first three times.

Remember, the police get to see the blood and entrails.  Every time.

I dont even know if Im right, I just know that youre wrong.

SEMI-MOTTOS:

I know it was an analogy. I was simply pointing out that it was a crappy
one.

Zombies like it too.

When the revolution comes my dog can bite their ass.

I thought this thread morphed into "Fun with Salt".

All inconvenient facts should be suppressed. And yams. I dont like them
either.

BAND NAMES:

Gourd Project

the garnishing turds*

Big Vortex of Suck

Skycap Logic

Botox for Muffy

Fodder for Snopes

Electric Shirley

The sh*ts, Ltd.

QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK:

Which of my wives contains newsgroups?

Theres a Black Sabbath reunion?

Are you sure your methodology has reasonably high precision?

Sensitive little cocksucker, arent you?

Which hog are you washing?  "The sodium is bad for you" hog, the "sodium is
bad for some people" hog or the "Americans get way too much sodium from
prepared foods" hog?

Someone wanna tell me why horses cant just f**k?

Why have cake when you could have cupcakes?

AFCA DEBATE TEAM TOPICS:

If the price of peace and prosperity is a President who receives blowjobs,
Im OK with that.

A real man dont care what other people think of his down comforter.

AFCA COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT:

Id like to breathe through my right nostril more consistently.

I DONT F**KING WANT F***ING FOCUS ON THE F***KING TASK BAR UNLESS I
EXPLICITLY F***KING SELECT IT!  FOR F***KS SAKE!

$51.00. For a hangnail. For a dog.

BOASTS OF THE WEEK:

I have two sprouters.

"I care not for thee Jack, for I am in the dinghy".

THE CONFESSIONS OF AFCA:

Family lore suggests the IRS killed my grandfather.

I made some pickled herring this fall, but it ended up looking like a
rooster in a jar.*

I decided to keep track, at least for a while, of the electrical resistance
of my tap water.

Ive been told on many occasions that I look like Donny Osmond.

If I moved more often, it would be evident that I seldom dust.

Im putting "Horse Fluffer" on my resume.

I almost never buy Ding Dongs. But now I suddenly realize that I have
harbored in the back of my mind the happy feeling that, if I so chose, I
could.

ADVICE OF THE WEEK:

A better ending would have been for your sister to tell you that chick was
actually a guy.

Even today, its hard to get a good hand job in Leeds.

ALMOND JOY GOT NUTS, MOUNDS DONT:

I gave the link to the video I saw.  If I had seen some other video, I
doubt that I would have gone to the trouble to look up a different video in
order to post a different link, so I guess the answer is no.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

Yes, I used hairpins.  I used to keep them around for putting my hair up.

DUMB AND DOOMED TO FAILURE PRODUCTS OF THE WEEK:

20 Mule Team Anthrax

Ghee Whiz

THE AFCA HOMELAND SECURITY DEPARTMENT WANTS *YOU!* TO BE ALERT FOR:

known drug-users, prostitutes, criminals and Hatpins

sloppy pies

dangerous puffiness

KNOW YOUR ECHINODERMS!

Sea Cucumbers think "Im in a real pickle now"

Star Fish think "Im holding out for 20 million for my next picture and it
better not have any Scientologists in it"

And Sand Dollars ask "Can I get a better exchange rate"?

Least-loved echinoderms of the week: irregular sea urchins

THE OPEN OFFICE SPELLCHECKER HAS NEVER BEEN TO HOLLYWOOD

It claimed not to know what "Botox" and "Scientologists" are.

HISTORY IN BRIEF

Stalin was, like, rilly bad.

JUST BEGGING TO BE TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT:

Or fit him with a horse-sized prosthesis

...so she chose his colored stud

PUN OF THE WEEK, NOT COUNTING THE ONES THAT WENT OVER BILL VANS HEAD:

And if the intestines are damaged, you can get charged with breaking an
enteric thing.

HAIKU OF THE WEEK:

Elbows in my ears
I mis-type the phrase badly
Wrong words in winter

WORDS OF THE WEEK (with additions from Contributing Editor Bill Turlock):

zomedy

upchuckle

wappyjawed*

eye-snot

piegasm

statins quo

headbonage

relarted

disrememberated

hydrogenated hop extract

kwashiorkor

corpsicle

morely sissed

Designated Hamster

Canadadadadadada

zen candy in the ether

HONORARY AFCA UMSCRIBES:

Danny Bursteins mother

Molly Ivins

And so there it is, a dense dose of wisdom.

*my contributions.

the big vortex of suck sounds good.

This weeks! http://groups.google.com/group/alt.fan.cecil-adams/browse_frm/thread/81fef81196f7c26f/9c9b5af80d4d8687#9c9b5af80d4d8687

Several of the zingers are that of yours truly.