REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
   With her consent.................................12 Calories
   Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories
   OPENING HER BRA:
   With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
   With one hand....................................12 Calories
   With your teeth.................................485 Calories
 
 
   PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
   With an erection..................................6 Calories
   Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories
 
   POSITIONS:
   Missionary...................................12 Calories
   69 lying down...............................78 Calories
   69 standing up..............................812 Calories
   Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories
   Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
   Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories
 
   ORGASMS:
   Real........................................112 Calories
   Fake..........................................1,315 Calories
 
   POST ORGASM:
   Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
   Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
   Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories
 
   GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
   20-29 years......................................36 Calories
   30-39 years......................................80 Calori es
   40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
   50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
   60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories
   70 and over........................Results are still pending
 
   DRESSING AFTERWARDS
   Calmly..........................................32 Calories
   In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
   With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
   With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories
 
   Results may vary.

I find these figures to be like the car CO2 emissions, meaningless without a means of comparison...and so I have painstakingly gone through and provided an equivalent in both tictacs and Big Macs :|

Tictacs @ 2 calories per small refreshing breath mint

QuoteREMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................6 Tictacs
Without her consent...........................1094 Tictacs
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 4 Tictacs
With one hand....................................6 Tictacs
With your teeth.................................243 Tictacs


PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................3 Tictacs
Without an erection...........................1658 Tictacs

POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................6 Tictacs
69 lying down...............................39 Tictacs
69 standing up..............................406 Tictacs
Wheelbarrow................................108 Tictacs
Doggy Style..................................163 Tictacs
Italian chandelier..........................1456 Tictacs

ORGASMS:
Real........................................56 Tictacs
Fake..........................................658 Tictacs

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................9 Tictacs
Getting up immediately.........................18 Tictacs
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...408 Tictacs

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years......................................18 Tictacs
30-39 years......................................40 Tictacs
40-49 years.....................................62 Tictacs
50-59 years...................................986 Tictacs
60-69 years...................................3958 Tictacs
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................16 Tictacs
In a hurry.......................................49 Tictacs
With her father knocking at the door..........2609 Tictacs
With your wife knocking at the door..........6761 Tictacs

Results may vary.

Big Macs @ 540 calories per gorgeous serving of coronory in a bun

QuoteREMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................0.022 Big Macs
Without her consent...........................4.05 Big Macs
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 0.01 Big Macs
With one hand....................................0.022 Big Macs
With your teeth.................................0.9 Big Macs


PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Big Macs
Without an erection...........................6.14 Big Macs

POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................0.01 Big Macs
69 lying down...............................0.14 Big Macs
69 standing up..............................1.5 Big Macs
Wheelbarrow................................0.4 Big Macs
Doggy Style..................................0.6 Big Macs
Italian chandelier..........................5.4 Big Macs

ORGASMS:
Real........................................0.2 Big Macs
Fake..........................................2.4 Big Macs

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................0.03 Big Macs
Getting up immediately.........................0.07 Big Macs
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...1.51 Big Macs

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years......................................0.07 Big Macs
30-39 years......................................0.015 Big Macs
40-49 years.....................................0.23 Big Macs
50-59 years...................................3.65 Big Macs
60-69 years...................................14.7 Big Macs
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................0.06 Big Macs
In a hurry.......................................0.18 Big Macs
With her father knocking at the door..........9.66 Big Macs
With your wife knocking at the door..........25.04 Big Macs
Results may vary.

By my reckoning if removing her clothes without her consent and then removing her bra with your teeth followed by putting a condom on without an erection and then doing the italian chandelier whilst faking an orgasm and then getting out of bed immediately and dressing with your wife knocking at the door doesnt kill you...the 45.44 big macs you can then consume to regain the lost calories will.

I worry that you have too much free time tonight, but I think Id quite happily munch a few Big Macs while on the job if it actually gave a performance boost.

only if you share

Big mac flavour condoms?

Quote from: zpyderBig mac flavour condoms?

to easy to make a cheap meat content  joke there...

Quote from: zpyderBy my reckoning if removing her clothes without her consent and then removing her bra with your teeth followed by putting a condom on without an erection and then doing the italian chandelier whilst faking an orgasm and then getting out of bed immediately and dressing with your wife knocking at the door doesnt kill you...the 45.44 big macs you can then consume to regain the lost calories will.

Good work! This was as funny as the first post!

Missed this: