Things that will make your life easier, no matter where you work.

Differences between you and your boss
Understanding office politics

When you take a long time, youre slow.
When your boss takes a long time, hes thorough.

When you dont do it, youre lazy.
When your boss doesnt do it, hes too busy.

When you make a mistake, youre an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, hes only human.

When doing something without being told, youre overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, thats initiative.

When you take a stand, youre being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, hes being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, youre being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, hes being original.

When you please your boss, youre arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, hes being co-operative.

When youre out of the office, youre wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, hes on business.

When youre on a day off sick, youre always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, its because hes overworked.

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Two minute management course
Nature teaches business a few lessons

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

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Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I havent got the energy."
"Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "Theyre packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull sh*t might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

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Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when youre in deep sh*t, its best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course

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New words for Roget
Thesaurus update for office workers

TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who  was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see thats going on.
(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generations answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from ones workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic  device to get  it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone whos clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that youve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. youve hit reply all)

WOOFies - Well Off Older Folk.

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

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Office rules

1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like theyre heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like theyre heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These arent exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but theyre not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim youre teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.

3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like were not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last years work looks the same as todays work; its volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document youll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People dont call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. Thats no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know theyre not there - it looks like youre hardworking and conscientious even though youre being a devious weasel.

5. Looking impatient and annoyed
Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative sighing for effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They dont have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.

10. Have 2 jackets
If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere.

11. MOST IMPORTANT:
DONT forward this to your boss by mistake!!!