Ladies and Gentlemen of Tekforums, drink beer.
The long term benefits of beer have proved by nature, whereas the rest of my advice has no more basis than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy your time on the lash, oh nevermind, youll not understand the beauty of drinking lots of booze, but the day after youll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cannot imagine now what a t*** you looked.

you ARE as stupid as you imagine.

Dont worry about your overdraft, or worry but know worrying is about as much use as trying to get the attractive lecturer into bed. The real troubles in your life are likely to be the things never crossed your addled mind; the muggers that blindside you walking home pissed on a Saturday night.

Do one thing every day that makes your mother ashamed.

BOOZE!

Be reckless with your credit card, and pour distain on those that arent reckless with theirs.

DRINK!

Dont waste your time on sympathy; sometimes youre a git, sometimes you arent. In the end you dont matter to anyone else anyway.

Remember the compliments you recieve, Log the insults and remember to get your own back later.

Keep your old photgraphs, and use them on myspace when you get too fat and ugly to attract people.

SLEEP!

Dont feel guilty if you dont know where to put it when you are 15, but if you get to 18 and still havent figured it out you should just hire a hooker to show you.

Get plenty of Sex

Maybe youll pass, more likely youll fail. maybe youll get married at 18 and regret it for the rest of your life, maybe youll die being ridden by your 21 year old girlfriend at 90. Whatever you do dont give a sh*t, nor should you care if others give a sh*t about you. You life is your own, and so is everyone elses. Enjoy the young ladys body, and dont be afraid to suggest things, its the greatest instrument of fun youll ever have.

DANCE Mother****er, or well send the KinderGoths round to congregate outside your house.

Never read the instructions, they are for pussies.

Read porn mags, but remember to wipe the pages afterwards.

Ignore your parents, they just dont understand you.

Be nice to your siblings, when you are splitting up your parents estate they are the people most likely to stab you in the back. If they dont think you are a threat then youll surprise them enough to leave them penniless.

Understand that friends come and go, but a precious few you can get naked and sweaty, these few you should hold onto. Work hard to bridge the gaps of distance because when you are older they are the most likely to screw you for old times sake.

Live in Chorley once, but leave before it makes you grow extra fingers. Live in London once, but leave before it makes you get snotty.

SNORT!

Accept certain inalienable truths, people are wankers, Your partner has had sex with other people, you too will get grumpy, and when you do youll remember being an angel when you where younger.

respect your elders you little sh*ts

Dont expect anyone else to support you, they couldnt give a toss. Maybe youll have a good inheritance, maybe youll have a rich wife, but the wife is more likely to spend the cash then run off with a guy half her age she works with.

Dont mess with doormen, or they will F*** you up beyond all recognition.

Ignore the whining of middle class teenagers, they are pointless and annoying. They havent got anything valuable to contribute except haw badly they are treated because their parents wouldnt give them the money for concert tickets.

BUT TRUST ME ON THE BEER

lol