After our little bout of sexist threads:

Dave asks: "Should women be allowed to vote?

Soopahfly tells woman kind to Know their place

Clockd says small portions are for girls

I thought, why not a H & J thread too?


Starting off with.....



What do you do if your diswasher breaks down?

Slap her.





Why did the woman cross the road?

And more to the point, what was she doing out of the kitchen?

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, dont you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, arent you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure aint."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why arent you afraid of me?"

"Well, Ive been married to your sister for 25 years."

Trees are funny things: they stay in the same place for thousands of years then suddenly jump out in front of women drivers.

Please note that the HBSC Bank is installing new "drive thru" cashpoint machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving there vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

Please read the procedure that refers to your own circumstances (Male or Female) and remember them for when you use the machine for the 1st time.

MALE PROCEDURE.

1) Drive up to cash machine.

2) Wind down your car window.

3) Insert card into machine and enter pin.

4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw cash & card.

5) Wind up window.

6) Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE.

1) Drive up to cash machine.

2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to cash machine.

3) Restart the stalled engine.

4) Wind down the window.

5) Find handbag,remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

6) Turn the radio down.

7) Attempt to insert card into cash machine.

Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from the car.

9) Insert card.

10) Re-insert card the right way up.

11) Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

12) Enter PIN

13) Press cancel and re-enter PIN

14) Enter amount of cash required.

15) Check make up in rear view mirror.

16) Retrieve card.

17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

18) Place receipt in back of cheque book.

19) Recheck make up again.

20) Drive forward 2 meters.

21) Reverse back to cash machine.

22) Retrieve cash

23) Re-empty handbag,locate card holder and place card into slot provided.

24) Restart stalled engine and proceed.

25) Drive for 2-3 miles.

26) Release handbrake.

Q: Whats worse than a male chauvinistic pig?

A: A women who wont do what shes told.

How can you tell if your wife is wearing panty hose?







Her toes curl when you f*** her.

A couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, thats some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "Thats once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isnt quite ready for bye-byes yet."

The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me f*** you for a dollar?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me f*** you for a million dollars?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me f*** you for five dollars?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"Weve already established that" replied the man, "Were just haggling over the price!"

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"Whats the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but Im just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you."
"Whats a woman, Lord?"
"This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this woman cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"Shell cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "Im too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if Im going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Ive had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well Ive had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
Hes gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

A: When they come theyre wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Quote from: DeltaZeroOn a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "Im too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if Im going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Ive had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well Ive had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
Hes gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

After which she kicked him in the nads, threw him out the door and said, "next?"

Quote from: Serious

Quote from: DeltaZeroOn a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "Im too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if Im going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Ive had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well Ive had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
Hes gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

After which she kicked him in the nads, threw him out the door and said, "next?"

....yes......